Secrets can be
compared to a role much like the actor’s part in performance: what the audience
sees is not real but a fabrication of reality.
Family secrets are designed to alter the appearance of a family. But
why? What is the motivation? Shame.
There
are three categories of family secrets; individual, internal, and shared. Individual secrets typically stem from
hiding a violation or norm, such as running up debt or having an affair,
resulting in anxiety for the secret-keeper. Intergenerational or internal family secrets between a parent
and child results in split loyalty, causing strife, factions, and feelings of
betrayal. The most damaging type of family secret, the shared or collective, is designed for telling to warn others about the consequences of breaking the
rules. The collective family secret
requires all other family members to contribute to and continue cultivating the
lie. The collective lie is the most
devastating because it is deceit en-masse and requires constant reinforcement. Feminist
author Letty Cottin Pogrebin experienced this first hand.
Embarrassment,
dishonor, humiliation, indignity, and shame motivates secrecy in families. Examples
of concealed events or perceived justification for fabricated stories include adoption,
ethnicity, educational attainment, family violence, mental illness, rape, incest,
addiction, job loss, criminal acts, incarceration, promiscuity, adultery, and
sexual identity.
In Pogrebin’s case, it was the shame
of divorce and remarriage. Her immediate and extended family collectively
covered up the truth about her parents and their children, creating an
elaborate mythology. At twelve years of age, her cousin blurted out the truth
after losing a game of cards.
The cousin revealed that Letty’s parents had been
previously married and divorced. They had been married only 14 years, not 28 as
the family claimed. Also, the cousin revealed that Letty had two half-siblings
from their previous marriages. Her father had abandoned his daughter and her
mother’s daughter was introduced to family and friends as Letty’s cousin. All
of her family participated as co-conspirators in her parents’ 25th
wedding anniversary celebration, adding to the collective ruse.
Like other
victims of family deceit, it damaged her capacity to trust. The entire family
deceived her! Pogrebin later exposed her
family secrets in a book. From that
point on, the identity of the entire family changed. Once the lies were exposed, the family no
longer had the secret to conceal what they really looked like.
The
most important part of Pogrebin’s story is that she didn’t continue the family
secrets because they were intended to serve as misused power. Pogrebin saw the truth as empowerment.
References:
Epstein, S. (2019,
January 14). 3 Types of family secrets and how they drive families apart. Psychology Today. Between the Generations.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/201901/3-types-family-secrets-and-how-they-drive-families-apart
Pogrebin, L.C. (1993,
April 4). The lies that bind. South
Florida Sun-Sentinel.
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