Narcissists - Your Coping Guide

 

Hi Readers, I recently attended a professional development webinar on, “The Inner Turmoil and Questions of a Narcissist” and it was an eye-opener. I hear a lot about narcissists these days, with people diagnosing their parents, coworkers, friends, siblings, and just about anyone who disagrees with them. The narcissist label has become overused and tiresome.

Narcissism is actually a Cluster B personality disorder and to be diagnosed, the patient must meet at least five of nine diagnostic criteria, according to the DSM-5. They must have an interview with a clinical professional and sometimes, supplemental screenings and assessments are administered in addition to the DSM-5 criteria for a differential diagnosis and development of a treatment plan.

Below are my notes in brief form to help my readers understand what narcissism is and isn’t, and to develop communication strategies.

The presenter began with this statement: “They are tormented souls. They have a running dialog in their heads and here is what they ask themselves:”

1.   “Do you think I’m significant?”

2.   “Who can I get to stroke my ego?” (Narcissists bring in lackies they can control. They are hungry for recognition.)

3.   “How do I compare to everyone else?” (This is evaluative thinking. The narcissist cannot be average. They must be superior and that means everyone else is inferior.)

4.   “What do I have to do to get what I want?” (They develop smear campaigns and schemes.)

5.   “Why don’t people respect me? People are not showing me the respect I deserve!” (Narcissists are angry.)

6.   “Why do people not trust me?” (Narcissists have pathological defensiveness. They are thin-skinned. They are unable to draw upon self-trust.)

7.   “What would happen if people discover something unflattering about me?” (Narcissists lie. They are mask wearers. They cover up and keep secrets.)

How to identify narcissistic behaviors

In this section, our professional presenter was not illuminating how to diagnose one: leave that to professionals. Narcissists are all around us, in our relationships, families, churches, and workplaces. It is important for self-preservation and self-care that you know how to identify narcissistic patterns and develop strategies for avoiding clashes, quarrels, and stress. Narcissistic behaviors emerge during conflict. In conflict, narcissists are highly threatened by others. These are deeply wounded people and they are always trying to cover up their hurts.

·       Narcissists are highly tense and quickly agitated.

·       Narcissists anger quickly, sometimes on the spur of the moment.

·       Narcissists are unwilling to listen, ponder, or understand. (Lack of insight.)

·       Narcissists illustrate lack of regard for others.

·       Narcissists are quick to accuse and blame. “Who here is the bad guy?”

·       Narcissists insult, curse, and blame.

·       Narcissists cannot maintain decorum.

·       Narcissists avoid the topic or change the subject.

·       When they are called out or challenged, narcissists go into strong justification and rationalization mode.

·       Narcissists create a revisionist history. “That’s not how it happened!”

·       Narcissists resort to silent treatment and disdain.

·       Narcissists are in high command mode and bossy.

·       Narcissists have highly inadequate coping skills. They take it to the finish line in a deeply ugly way.

Strategies for interacting with narcissists are extremely challenging, as you cannot respond back to them in the same way you do with other people. Be different. They can also be mesmerizing and charming. When communicating with them. BE CAREFUL, it’s a mirage. Don’t be seduced. Use this strategy: Dignity. Respect. Civility. Establish boundaries. When you do, you are telling the narcissist, “Watch how a healthy person does this.” By responding with respect, civility, and dignity, how you react teaches and helps.